So im just gonna say whats on my mind, i just totally lost it!!! G-MO I MISS YOU!!!! I really don't understand how this this all happen so fast, when did everything fall apart, when did i start to loose it??? I knew this day was coming but why didn't i think that i would be able to handle it??? I should of known that this was gonna be my breaking point, i should of known that this would destroy everything that i build up in order for me not to break, everything i did everything thing i though of, everything i tried to imagine to block her from hurting me, block the fact that she's not here, block the fact that she's not going to be able to talk to me anymore..... I just thought for so long that i could and would be able to block the hurt, the pain and the emptiness of her, my G-mo of not being here. It all came on me so fast the hurt the guilt the shame of trying to ignore the pain that i held in and kept inside of me for sooo long. I was always there for my family to help and to comfort them but i never let anyone come in and tell me that its okay to brake down. I did everything in my power to control the feelings so that i could move on.
But now im sitting here in pain, in hurt, in despair, lonely, afraid and to be honest mad! If i was God i would of not let this happen i would of let her live and let her have time with me, but the thing is im not God im Charmaine Yovona Dunlap and i can only be me. Its so easy for me to keep a guard up to not express myself because that's something that i am good at. Its difficult for me to let myself be open to the fact that its okay to cry, its okay to feel pain... Why did i let it build up??? Why did i pretend that life was going to be the same without her? I cant answer these questions but i do know that im not feeling the best right now, i know that right now im not happy, i know that there is an empty space in my heart. The thing is i have never lost anyone close to me and i am thankful for that, but at the same time i don't know what to feel i don't know how to react, i don't know how i should express myself.....
Last year around this time my g-mo was here with me, she was talking to me, listening to me she was my everything that no one could ever replace... I was able to spend my birthday with her, I can still remember sharing my birthday cake that my brother and sister made for me, i can still remember the meal my mom prepared for my b-day.... I can even remember my family singing happy birthday to me in the room where my ill grandmother laid .... I remember telling myself to suck it up, not to cry, not now and not later.
When I first heard the news that my g-mo was sick i felt like i could do some good by not excepting the fact that she was sick, that everything was going to be okay and that this was something that would pass. But i was wrong as time progressed and she became sicker i kept telling myself not to wear my heart on my sleeve, not to show my weakness, that i needed to be strong for my Mother, because after all it was her mother that was ill and i needed to support her, ignoring the fact that at the same time this was my grandmother this was my friend this was someone that i loved to talk with someone who i learned from someone who made me mad but at the same time made me smile. Why didn't i realize that i would have to deal with the reality that she was not going to be here much longer.... but even after she left i lied to myself and thought that things would still be fine.
Now im here at this breaking point, where i have finally lost it! because it all started with me not wanting to accept the truth. Accept the fact that life would be hard with out her.... I wish i could, but i cant. Where i am in my life now is where Ive been trying to get to all my life and now i feel like i don't want it... I just wish i could let all the pain and anger out now, but i don't know if i can... I don't know how long i'll be this way but the only thing i do know is that i have to deal with it and learn from it and keep moving forward...im not saying that I'll every get to the point were i'll be over the hurt, but i do know this, i am learning how to cope and right now that's all i can do.
Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday, my first birthday without her and its not going to be easy but if my g-mo was here i would deftly tell her I love her and that i appreciate all the wonderful things she has done for me.
But one thing i can say is that i am truly thankful to have two such wonderful parents that care for me! They have given me more love than i could ever imagine and i want to say thank you to them for allowing me to be mad and upset but at the same time giving me structure in letting me know that i am capable of a lot and that i will be able to be strong through this difficult time.
Miss u dearly g-mo,
Charmaine
